5 Lessons learned when you deceive the woman you’re with

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Before you do so, realize that you will not return.. Mainly you will not change the female NOTHING.

There is an old saying about not judging someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, and it still rings true today. I’ve always thought it would be wonderful if people could see the world through each other’s eyes, so they could see, hear, think and feel exactly as someone else does, if only for a little while. 

How much misunderstanding could we clear up by simply swapping heads for the day? How much easier would it be for us men to discover how to avoid losing a woman?

The First Class.cz readership is 54% male. I’ve noticed that men confide in me in person much more than women do, but they add public comments far less often. I can only assume that some men feel too ashamed to show any vulnerability in public. They’d rather put on a brave face, but these men need help, even if they don’t like to show it. 

Perhaps the outward appearance of strength is important to them, and any emotional concerns need to be kept private and explored discreetly. Despite the façade they are discontented within and quietly looking for their own roads to happiness. 

I’ve learned from listening to them that some men believe that whatever bad things they do are excusable because of what they think of as their innate nature, the fact that they’re men. I remember in the school yard how fights would break out, but then soon after the adversaries would often become friends, sometimes even before the bruises had gone away. Perhaps the kind of jostling for supremacy that typifies boyhood means that fighting to be top dog as men is viewed as innate and necessary and is therefore forgivable. 

This rough and tumble approach to others might work amongst some members of the male ‘tribe’ but it doesn’t, and shouldn’t in relationships. Females are more used to competing formen, not with them.

Women often feel disposed to offer second chances, to excuse and overlook behaviour that they convince themselves will change in time, but there are limits to their patience. In my book 250 Laws of Love i wrote that when that limit is reached then all concern, consideration and care will have been exhausted and that will be the end. Once that door has been shut it will always stay shut.

Where there is nothing.

Arguments between men and women can be healthy, they may even be necessary, but only as long as they are conducted in a healthy way, and since I’ve always tried to do that I’ve never been afraid of the strong emotions that rise up in the heat of an argument with a woman I’m with. 

The only thing I’ve ever feared was the tell-tale moment when I stopped being important enough to argue with. The silence then is deafening, because you realise that if you’re not worth the trouble it means you’re not worth the time. Your days are numbered.

This is the point when she stops striving for your attention, fighting for you, replying to your messages, making conversation, being jealous, flirting with others just to make you jealous, snooping on you (it’s wrong but at least it tells you that she cares), being interested about whether you are interested in her, testing whether you love her. 

The reason she stops doing all of this is that she finds out that she deserves someone better. But when she finally goes the worst will still be yet to come. That end is only the beginning of your worries.

You will start missing both her and her care, along with her love. You will lose her forever, like a dandelion seed blown away by an impetuous breath. 

Please appreciate her before it’s too late. If you love your partner, let her know it before you lose her. She needs to hear it as much as you need to say it.

What is it that no man wants?

My friend, still very young, deceived his beloved. He paid for this with a double loss, which is good in a way because he will learn from it. He not only lost her, he later lost himself when he realized that he loved her more than he loved himself.

Afterwards, he woke up to the painful understanding of how perfect she was. 

She woke up next to a new man who always knew she was perfect and would never let her forget it. 

He cried in front of me, unable to talk. His tears said more than his mouth ever could. There are no words big enough to do a broken heart justice and even if there were then no mouth could shape them. It just hurt and that’s all there is to say.

He felt haunted. He felt how dreadful it was to have someone living in his mind but not in his arms any more. He felt almost the same as if someone close had died, but it was worse because he had brought this on himself. 

What women actually want?

For years I have been thinking about the point in a relationship where indifference begins. Men often say that women can be demanding and describe them as gold diggers. I think it’s often a case of misinterpretation. Many women just want someone who cannot live without them. They want to be treasured, respected, and supported. It’s kind of obvious really. 

Women watch men and learn. They come to recognize which ones will deceive them, and either seek to change these idiots or avoid them completely. They notice which men are never satisfied with what they’ve got and are always looking for more. 

Women are well aware of the fact that love itself never hurts. Lying, cheating and hurting others are the toxic results of love gone wrong, not of love itself. These things hurt, and women never choose them willingly. Before you deceive your partner (perhaps the mother of your children in the worst case scenario) don’t just think about what you have to lose, but imagine how it will feel knowing that you did it to yourself.

As Rochefoucauld puts it, we are able to cope with what others have done to us, but rarely what we have done to ourselves.

The lessons:

1: You’re only human, but so is she. 

It takes an effort of will to really appreciate what you have, because humans quickly become used to their surroundings. What was once novel now seeming humdrum. This is because we are built to adapt, in fact we are wonderful adapting machines. We can take on mental and physical challenges and our minds and bodies adjust themselves – adapt – until what was unusual becomes the new normal. But this can make us complacent too, and so it takes an effort of will not to succumb to complacency and seek new excitement. 

A man’s apology for an affair often sounds like this: I’m only human and I make mistakes. A woman might just as easily tell him that she is only human too, and that the mistake she made was him.  

2: There is no point looking back. 

In a society so dominated by youth and looks (and men!) women feel the flow of time more than men do. Women remind themselves (or are reminded everywhere) that they are not getting any younger. Men prefer to deny that they are getting old and often get away with it. 

Whatever, both realise that the past is the past and they’d do well to leave it where it is. Their shared future is where they should put their energies, but some men still yearn for the life they had, with all its freedoms and fewer consequences. Leave that life behind or your life with this woman will soon be a thing of the past too.  

3: We cannot sit on a bicycle made for two and pedal in opposite directions.

Women do not need anybody who deliberately decelerates when they want to move the relationship forward. They do not need anybody who is unwilling to deal with common problems, or who creates new ones.

Women know well that if they accept the deceiver back, he brings that betrayal back into their relationship. An apology can’t erase it.

People talk a lot of nonsense. They say that opportunity makes the thief and money spoils the character. Not true. An opportunity and money REVEAL the character, they show who people are. They lull them into tearing off their masks.

A beautiful woman passing by or a dropped wallet are both litmus tests. If it seems he’s ready to grab either one then that’s who he really is. 

The way he treats others, former partners, friends, strangers, it all shows how he thinks and who he really is.

Would you want a cheater in your life? Would you trust her? I wouldn’t. You wouldn’t. So why should we expect to be welcomed back with open arms when we’ve cheated on a woman? Dream on.

4: Relationship aren’t sports, so don’t play games

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he says, though she can’t be sure what for.

When one partner cheats, both feel as if they have made a mistake. The cheater knows they made a mistake by cheating (or just getting caught) and the other feels they made a mistake in choosing the cheater. Is he sorry he cheated or just sorry she found out? She can’t really know. 

Trust is broken either way, and it’s rare that it can ever be fully rebuilt. Mend a broken vase and the hairline cracks will always show. It will always show those fault lines that are a permanent weakness in the vessel. They’ll both know that it could break again.

5: There are plenty of better men than you out there

There are plenty of men who are trustworthy and devoted. Their eyes might wander but they know the rules. They are not slaves to nature who think only in terms of obeying the whispered biological imperative to pass on their genes as far and wide as possible. We can dress this truth up how we like, but it’s really the essential point, the sum of our sorrows. 

It’s a powerful drive that is echoed throughout nature and history, and perhaps it will always be there, sadly mismatched with the drive of women to find a stable partner who will help create the family unit and then support it. 

We can pretend that we’re far too civilised and sophisticated to recognise this reduction of relationships to mere primitive programming, but deep down we know it’s true. There’s no need to fear it though. We’re Homo Sapiens! It’s latin for “Wise Man.” Sapient means ‘to judge.’ We are self-aware beings who named ourselves after the fact that we are wise, that we can make judgements, so it falls on us not only to choose our partners carefully, but to keep on choosing them, every single day. If we don’t, there are plenty of wise men who will.

© Petr Casanova