Your fated partner, or just one of many? Or, why love is not what we feel, but what we do.

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In my book 250 Laws of Love I write that life without love is sad. But when we talk about love, we don’t justmean the love we give, but also the love we receive. Love then forms an electric circuit. In order for it to function correctly, the circuit must be closed. It must be formed from two halves, which feed into the circuit and also draw from the circuit. The energy flows there and back again. Round and round. In circuits like this both batteries are always charged and always have enough energy to give.

Problems appear when the circuit is disrupted: when there is a short-circuit. Then we don’t give love and it doesn’tcome backto us. And when we touch the other person, it actuallystings, hurts. Because they are already giving their love to someone else.

Then, we start to lose the love inside us. We give it, but we don’t get any back. And it is only a matter of time before our source of love is exhausted; when we no longer have enough love even for ourselves.

Why does this disconnection occur? Whereisthe mistake that broke the circuit? How could a third element potentiallyenter, when the relationship was air-tight?

The hunter and the wild horse

When I meet with readers of my books, more often than not they give one model of a relationship: onein which both parties love each other, a perfectly closed circuit. But time causes one partner (let’s say the woman) to becometoo familiar tothe other, too predictable and too conventional.The man “loves her, but…”

Then another woman breaks the circuit. She is “completely different”, unfamiliar, unpredictable,and, most importantly, she is notconventional.The man considers herperfect,like his wife was at the beginning of their relationship. But the women are objectively not very different; it is simply that the man has spent a lot of time with one of them.

He feels that he has fallen in love. And that feeling is enhanced when the new woman refuses the man, when she shows him that a relationship between themis impossible because he is married. That is when the man starts to seekreasonswhy his long-term partner is inferior.There must beareason why “he no longer loves her”, while he “evidently does love” the other woman. And so he expounds how he and his wife no longer understand each other.

The more the new woman refuses the man, the more she wakes the hunter in him. He sees her as a tarpan, the famous wild horse, which cannot be captured. The more the woman avoids him, the more the man desires her, and he is willing to promise anything.

But….Time is relentless. It has the same effect on everyone. Even an initially impressive “exceptional” counterpart becomes too familiar, predictable, and conventional. Not only for thewoman, but also for the man. And then one of them might say “sorry, but it’s no longer working” andthe man (for example) will try to returnto his wife, because he has finally realisedwhat he’s lost.

So, how can you understand your emotions? When are wetruly in love and when do we simply find someone attractive because they are new? And how canwe recognise when someone truly loves usrather than simply finding us attractive because we are exemplary withinthe family, loving, loved, reliable (men tooin this case) or conversely uncatchable (in this case the new woman)?

The lock and the key

In my second book Twelve Hearts, which is about the maturing of a person within arelationship, Iwarn against abandoning those who truly love us for those who find us attractive, because those who find us attractive will abandon us one day for those they truly love.

No-one and no relationship is perfect. In the right relationship we are like a lock and a key. Even though we are different beings, we complement each other and one without the other loses purpose.

The trouble is time. The lock and the keybecome worn over time.  However, the solution may not be another key – it may be that all that is necessary is to simply renew the relationship, refresh and polish it. In my book 250 Laws of LoveI describe all the things a relationship needs to become long-term and survive all the misleading feelings that we no longer fit each other – that we should seek a completely different lock/key.

If the right lock and key find each other, they stop representing two parts. They become one whole, they merge. This happens because they fit each other perfectly. So let’s learn how to recognise the right, fated partners, overthose who are just different, more dazzling, newerandessentiallyone of many.

We must not let our fated partner leave us. This person is our second half, without whom we will always feel incomplete, halved. If this does happen, in my book 250 Laws of Love, I explain how to understand this experience and how to find your way to the other person, andparticularly to yourself.

  • How can we recognisethis fated person?
  • How do we believe that the right lock or key exists, if we have not encountered it yet and all our previous relationships were just a mistake?
  • How do we recognise a partner who is worth fighting for from someone for whom a second chance is just a waste of time?

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