“I decided to follow my dreams,” an acquaintance told me.
I would have congratulated him if he hadn’t added: “Regardless of everyone else.”
He had, you see, a girlfriend who was 8 months pregnant.
“I’m leaving her. I want to build a career and a child would just get in the way.”
I looked at this creature, from head to toe, and I thought: Is this even a person? Does he have at least a basic level of education? Does he know what RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY are?
Every coin has two sides. Even freedom. We all have freedom of choice in every moment. But the other side of this freedom is responsibility for our actions. A child is created by both a man and a woman. It’s unfair to consider a child to be solely a woman’s responsibility – just because it’s down to her to carry the child, give birth, and start to take care of it. Every man starts parenthood with a great deficit, and must try to invest at least as much time and energy into it as the woman. And, if he doesn’t invest in the child, he should find another way to invest in the family. Otherwise, he has no idea what responsibility is.
The acquaintance really did leave the expectant mother. I felt sorry for him, because I knew what was going to happen. All of us use behavioural patterns that, unconsciously, are repeated in similar situations. This person, who was running away from his responsibilities, soon found himself in a job where he wanted to build a career. He was not willing to solve problems that “got in his way”, as he said about his pregnant partner. “I decided to follow my dreams. I’m leaving my job. I want to build my own company, where nobody will dictate what I have to do. Employment would just get in my way.”
Do you have the same feeling of déjà vu that I have? The feeling that you’ve heard what he said before? Sure, the same pattern of behaviour, just in different words. And the end was exactly the same… just a very strong word would have destroyed him – he did not actually create his own business. Those who are unable to constructively approach basic issues, in a relationship or a job, cannot solve them in business either. And customers, employees, and suppliers are sensitive to people who run away from their responsibilities. They will not come back a second time. They leave. People with a rogue pattern of behaviour complain about life, and run away in a huff from everything, without even realizing that the main problem is still being dragged behind them – they themselves are the problem. They aren’t able to face responsibility.
In the above story, the circle closed just as it had to: The man once again rang the doorbell of the woman, who now had an eighteen month old little girl. He wanted to beg for forgiveness. But life is cruel, and that’s good. You see, another man opened the door to him. It usually isn’t difficult for a woman to discover that absolutely any man is better than one who doesn’t understand what responsibility is (“I’m responsible for that”), whereas they do understand accountability (“I understand accountability, and I would like to add that I am responsible”).
There is something positive about everything. This experience was positive for both of them. She understood that irresponsible people (those who run away from responsibility) are not worth waiting for. He understood that he had to work on himself; otherwise he would not get out of the hole he found himself in. However, the woman contributed the most to this positive ending. Although she found herself in an unimaginable situation – bringing a child into the world without any support – she did not put pressure upon herself. And life rewarded her. Ultimately, as they say, only a person who has known perfect pain can know perfect happiness.
Of course she wrote to me. She wanted me to talk to my friend, to get him to come back. I didn’t do it. For her sake, and for the unborn baby. I wished for her to meet someone in the future, and to see why she had not done it before. Irresponsible people should never be taken back. They don’t do anything good. They are just a burden. After all, why should we give a bad partner a second chance when there are millions of better people who are just waiting for the first chance?
We resolved it differently: She wrote to me daily about what she was experiencing. If she couldn’t write it, she called me. Ordinary support can mean the world to a person. She was born with the hope that she would be better. And then the smile on her face just grew because the man who wanted to kiss her appeared. Sometimes it is necessary to go through a dark forest to get to the light. What did she experience during the time when her child’s father was not at all interested in them, and how did she get through it? I will describe what we concentrated on:
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