You want to communicate, but you’re the only one who does.
Your partner doesn’t reply. It’s like talking to a brick wall.
You know that a relationship cannot exist without communication, but the relationship is important to you, so you speak for yourself and you try to imagine what the other is thinking – ideas, conclusions, speculation.
And you hope that it will be better one day…
At Improovio we call this “building a bridge from one side”.
A relationship is like a bridge, connecting two supports. We build the bridge towards our partner, but we receive no feedback: Are we building it well or badly? Is the other person interested in at all, or is another relationship already moving across the bridge?
We don’t know. We are building blind. In time, we ask ourselves: Is there any point in this? Even if we build the bridge across both supports ourselves, what if the other person doesn’t even want to cross the bridge?
Can someone who has no interest in communication have any interest in a relationship?
And how can we safely build such a bridge anyway?
How can we rely on the second support at all?
1st realisation: You can’t build a bridge from just one side.
Bridges are built by erecting foundations on both sides. They must be strong enough to carry a joint construction. Afterwards, bridge components are placed on both supports until the two sides meet in the middle.
Relationships work when two people look for what can connect them. These are the bridge parts facing each other. If the second partner does not communicate, we have no chance of knowing if we are moving towards or away from our partner; especially when their lack of communication is a clear step away from us.
Long-term relationships are long-lasting not because they are created IN ADVANCE, but because they are created GRADUALLY by both partners. They work thanks to mutual action, maximum effort put into communication and compromises; not through lack of communication and waiting around.
Why do people do it?
Why don’t people communicate? It’s simple – they are not interested in communication. In other words: They are not interested in a bridge, a relationship.
However, the question directed at those who are constantly trying to communicate is: Why do you do it?
I dedicate Thursdays to meeting the readers of my magazine who are troubled by such things. A man and a woman sat in a queue at my table. Both of them had tried to provoke re-communication in their relationships. They needed to find out what they were doing wrong, why their partners were not interested. But how do you make someone who is not interested answer these questions? If they gave you this important information, they would probably not be interested – they would not want you to suffer.
They both reminded me of players at a ping-pong table. Hitting one ball after another over the net, yet none of them returned. Nobody was actually on the other side of the table.
“Where am I making my mistakes?” worried them more and more. It was so curious: They continued to stand at the table and play. They kept asking where they were making their mistakes.
Maybe it has occurred to you:
Why don’t they invite someone else to the table to play?
Someone who IS interested in playing?
How can they so highly value someone who doesn’t even want to play in the first place?
“Because…,” first the woman took a breath, then half an hour later the man did too, and it was obvious to me what I would hear. “Because I love him/her.”
2nd realisation: We must accept the fact that there are people who we cannot live without, but who can live without us quite easily.
Love is a clear emotion. It has no reasons. It just is. (I wrote about the involvement of reason in the heart in my first book 250 Laws of Love)
Love does not come from reason. On the contrary, it relieves us of reason.
Your heart does not explain that the one without whom you cannot live can easily live without you. The more the heart is, the more it hurts, the more it feels empty. Why would it not feel empty, when there is someone missing from it, or someone who does not want to be there?
That’s exactly how someone feels at work when they care about the rewards which are not forthcoming; when they do their job with their whole heart – and then find out that for their colleagues or bosses it was really NOTHING.
How can someone be this way?
We people have experienced this problem from both sides. Yes, even from the side where someone waits for us with a full heart.
Have you ever noticed dogs? The sooner the owner returns, the more enthusiastically the dog welcomes him. The longer the dog has to wait, the more he may doubt whether the owner will return at all. Therefore, the sooner the owner returns, the more the dog celebrates. That’s how a dog’s heart works.
Many people are like this too. They wait for the other person to start communicating. Even the slightest hints are taken as great successes. Hatred, insults, mockery – even they are a method of communication and feedback, are they not?
The only thing people like this cannot stand is apathy – the exact opposite of love. Indifference, ignorance, lasting loneliness.
How can we change things? How can someone who is not interested in us become someone who is very interested?
Please, continue to the 2nd page