10 Steps to Overcome a Partner’s Betrayal That Has Knocked You Off Course

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I occasionally meet readers. I communicate better in person than in writing. In the space of three days I encountered two very different mindsets. The first was positive, inspiring and enthusiastic about a forthcoming change at work. The second was depressed, resigned, with no appetite to do anything. By the way, both were exhibited by the same woman.

I was amazed. What caused such a complete about-turn? Where did her wonderful energy go? How could her laughter turn into tears in 72 hours?

Behind every disappointed face look for the person who caused it.

A break-up. Heartless. Takes your breath away. Unpublishable.

And paralysing in such a way that you are disqualified from everything.

What now?

Oh, love, a more complicated business than loans, defaulters and unions.

Don’t think about it. Forget it. Move on—these are the most unnecessary pieces of advice. A person in love and scorned feels like they are covered in concrete and being slapped by memories. The uncomprehending questions “Why, why me?” turn into self-accusations like “My mistake,” “I’m worthless,” “Life’s worthless” and similar pearls of wisdom.

Because I get lots of e-mails stating how your tangled relationships complicate your work or education, and you ask what to do, I decided to make myself a laughing stock and try to advise you.

I’ll be a laughing stock because I have also experienced a break-up with a desolate ending. I also found out that love behaves like a snow flake. When you think you’re holding it firm, it dissolves. Today—my apologies—I won’t write about money. But about how I survived the terrible break-up and what such an invaluable experience taught me:

  1. Let’s admit that there are people without whom we are not happy, but they’re happy without us

I will start with a heavy calibre assertion that you might not swallow. But it’s an example of how much you can rise above your personal interest and attitude:

Every person is entitled to their own life as they see fit. They are therefore entitled to be with who they want to be, and not be with who they don’t want to be. If we accept this, we would be the first people to support a partner that is unhappy with us and does not want to be with us (despite our best efforts), in a step that makes nobody happy—especially after a long relationship—their leaving. And in particular, we would give this support if we love them so much that their happiness is important to us. Does this sound crazy?

I don’t like people who love conditionally. Meaning: “I love you, but only when you’re with me. Otherwise I wish you the worst.” If we really love someone, we primarily want them to be happy, regardless of any circumstances, including whether they are with us or without us. If they don’t feel good with us, we should be the first they can rely on not to betray them and who will support them when they look for happiness. Even if this means leaving us. Otherwise, we are only playing at how important the other person is to us. In reality we are only possessive and selfish.

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to live with a controlling egoist. Just as I wouldn’t want to live with a person who no longer wants to live with me. So why do we hurt each other? Why do we try to keep them as if trapped behind a locked door? If they want to go, let them.

It is necessary in our own interest.

Please, continue to the 2nd page