Destroyed lives and relationships: How to rediscover your value after having it eroded by a partner

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I call them life killers.

Example 1: A woman with two children, her husband left her. A new man embraced her, accepted her children as if they were his own. He did all he could for her. But this woman could not forget. She had pictures of her ex-husband everywhere. She dreamed of his return. One day her new man had a serious accident. As she was falling asleep alone for the first time in her bed, she realised how much he meant to her.

I ask: What has to happen for people to realise the value of others – before they are left alone?

Example 2: She was always attractive. He saw her as an attractive woman until the birth of their third child. After this he no longer found her attractive and quite openly sought out younger, childless women. By doing this, he sent her a cruel message: You are no longer satisfactory. How does she feel? How can she leave – a single woman with three children? Yet, how can she stay with someone who tramples her feminine side and self-confidence?

I ask: How can we believe that life would be better with a different partner? Is it better to stick with the “bird in the hand”?

Example 3: A woman burnt all bridges to her past and surrendered completely to a man she decided to love regardless of the risks. At that very moment, this man stopped making an effort – he took her for granted. She is trapped. She would like to talk to him constructively about the things that bother her but he refuses to communicate. She has nowhere to go and lives in a silent household, where she can either adjust or end up on the street.

I ask: At what point do we start seeing our life as lost and give up any chance for a change?

To leave or to stay?

What role does our age play?

Do we take a great risk when we have children or, on the other hand, if we don’t have children yet should we be worried that we may have missed the boat?

How do we believe that someone better will appear soon after we have been hurt when time passes so quickly?

There is no universal instruction for each situation: If you feel this, leave. Or: If you feel this, stay and fight. Each situation is unique but the following 5 recommendations are useful in any situation:

1st recommendation: Feeling humiliated = a sign that it’s time to make some changes

Feeling happy is the essence of our lives. We establish relationships so we can feel happier than when we are alone. Feeling unhappy is a sign that we need to change something. This change may be in our hearts, in the point of view we have, in our habits… In any case, unhappiness means that whatever we are living now is not working. The important point comes here:

Whenever we feel betrayed or humiliated, our first instinct is to look around for someone or something else to blame. However, we should really be looking inside ourselves. We should be looking at: 1) what we are feeling; 2) what we are thinking; 3) how we plan to respond to both.

Even when we feel helpless, this is just a feeling. We possess great power. Our life is our own responsibility. We cannot always change what happens around us – this includes how our partner treats us – they are an independent person. However, we can always change how we perceive and accept these matters in our lives. The funniest thing is that when we change the angle from which we perceive our life, life changes by itself. This will finally start opening our path to positive actions.

The first change happens once again inside ourselves and it is:

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