5 ways to become the lifetime weakness of a strong partner

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Fairy tale condition #2: While most people look for a perfect relationship in which there will be no problems, Jack the Fool looks for an imperfect one in which problems will be solved together.

“Oh, you have an imperfection?” people are surprised when they finally take over their rose-tinted glasses and see the reality. Those who wait for perfection and don’t accept anything else will sooner or later become sick of waiting. The fact is that perfection doesn’t exist outside the fairy-tale world.

Even diamonds that boast of having the Hardest Mineral label are incredibly fragile – just hit their cleavage with a hammer and they will break into powder.

In addition, you won’t find diamonds underground. It is only the diamond-bearing rock that is mined from the depths to be subsequently worked on to become a brilliant cut. Yes, even a raw diamond is “difficult” before a brilliant is created.

The perfect relationship doesn’t come just like that either. It involves a lot of work, communication, listening, accommodation, compromise. It involves arguments about what is important to each of us – because each of us is different and we never know what is on the other person’s mind.

People usually say that the perfect relationship is about luck, chance. “Girls, do you want to see some magic?” I drew the attention of my listeners and pulled a five-crown coin out of my pocket. “I will show you that neither chance nor luck exists. You’ll see I’ll get tails!”

I threw the coin in the air and – slap. The girls started laughing. Heads appeared on the back of my hand. Before they could say anything, I threw the coin in the air again, and – slap. There were tails on the back of my hand.

“But …,” they tried to protest.

“That’s what the perfect relationship is about,” I smiled. “Throw UNTIL you get what you wanted. Look for a way. Look for a suitable partner. Remember that you don’t meet the partner you are destined for just like that. People become destined partners.”

As I write in my second book, The Twelve Hearts, if we want someone to become our destined partner, we must first respect that they are not and NEVER will be perfect. They will make mistakes, just as we do. What matters, however, is whether they are willing to deal with mutual trouble. Whether they can admit their mistakes, rectify them and, therefore, never repeat them again.

Such a partner can become perfect. Destined.

Not because there won’t be any problems with them. There will be, with everybody. But because they can solve them together with us.

Then the problems will not harm but benefit and strengthen the relationship. After all, this brings us to the crucial, 3rd condition of such a relationship … how to observe a partner.

Fairy tale condition #3: While most people expect the same partner as they are, Jack the Fool expects someone different, who will complement what he is missing.

There are couples who the longer they get to know each other, the more they realize how different they are. Usually because they started with their strengths – and the weaknesses that are revealed alienate them.

Long-term relationships are the opposite. The longer the partners get to know each other, the more they assure themselves how much they complement each other.

It applies in both examples that no two people are the same. The essence of long-term relationships is to find such an opposite that will complement us – that will have what we don’t have and what we need in our imperfection (and vice versa in the other person’s case).

You can tell which category a couple falls into based on whether differences grow or fade away in the course of time. If they fade away, it doesn’t mean that the real differences have disappeared but that both partners have learned to be tolerant, generous and, especially, to communicate with each other.

Relationships are also made more difficult by the fact that we all develop over time. Our values, goals, experience and personal maturity change. Although we are in a couple, each of us lives our own life in which we face other challenges (typically at work, in our family, among friends), desires and thoughts. We are tested by everyday events, our changing partner and our changing selves.

If two people are still able to solve their problems (their own, the other person’s, their children’s, relatives’ and other close ones’), they are the lottery prize for each other. At any given moment, they know that being alone would be easier for them – they would have fewer problems. On the other hand, the problems make them stronger – each of the partners separately and the couple together, if they find a way to solve them together.

And yet they don’t always have the desire, the mood, the energy. They are not always willing to share – either their joys or their troubles. They don’t always admit that a shared joy is a double joy and that a shared concern is half a concern. It is so easy to point at the other person who is closest of all and shout: “It’s your fault! You are my problem! The way you act is what makes things complicated! You’re the bad one!”

“Do you mean, Uncle, that they go against each other?” my listeners uttered from underneath the duvet.

“How can such a duel end?” they added.

I took a piece of paper and drew a bridge on two pillars. “What happens if we pull down one of the pillars?” I asked.

“The bridge will fall down,” replied one of them.

“It will eventually collapse, on both of them …” the second confirmed.

I nodded. “Even the bridge is like a relationship. There is never one winner and one loser. At any moment, there are only two winners or two losers. Everything only depends on whether they understand that each problem in a relationship is common – and that common problems can only have COMMON solutions.”

Which of us is always right in the argument?

How do we best take care of the other as well as of the relationship?

Please, continue to the 3rd page.